When You Find Me
by River Achai
Summary: Memories from lost days. A story about Friedrich Weimer and Albrecht Stein.
1. Prologue

The title is a reference to the song by _Joshua Radin_ and _Maria Taylor_.

Please note this chapter has not been edited by a Beta Reader. English is not my first language to please comment on both grammar and content.

* * *

Prologue

It was a harsh winter. The snowflakes fell like disoriented white warriors, rushing to the ground for protection.

As he once more glanced up at the majestic building, it all came rushing back like a flood of a million suppressed emotions. Within a fraction of a second, he was back on the ice-covered lake with his hand pressed tightly against the cold ice while screaming out the panic that was smothering him. It was as if it had taken place just yesterday.  
His heart paused.  
He closed his eyes to hold back the stinging tears. _German boys never cry,_ he reminded himself.  
His perfectly shaped lips pursed in a useless effort to silent a scream.

He finally turned his back on Napola, Der Führer, his so called friends. But most of all, he turned his back on Heinrich Stein.  
And he never looked back.


	2. Fighting

Friedrich looked around; this must have been the millionth time. Still no sign of Albrecht. Could it be that he still was upset about last night? They had had numerous of equivalent arguments before, why this one should have been any different Friedrich could not comprehend, he himself had gotten over it by now. Although, Albrecht did suffer from a weaker state of mind than himself. Perhaps he had been too insensitive, which - this he had to admit - would not have been the first time.

A sudden, deafening blow to his right ear awoke him from his thoughts. It seemed as though ever since he and Albrecht had started sneaking around, defying the appalling risks of being caught, Friedrich had lost whatever capability he used to possess to keep focused, even while doing what he loved most: boxing.

This used to be his life_._ The thrill of winning a match was no longer comparable to the feelings that filled him when he thought about Albrecht's slender, naked body entwined with his. The changes to his life that Albrecht had brought, he adored, but at the same time they troubled him. Was he losing himself to his emotions? He no longer acted rationally; a real soldier of the Reich did not behave like this. Looking back, the person who had first walked into the doors of the Napola Schule did in no way whatsoever resemble the blond, muscular boy who now found himself mere seconds away from losing this afternoon's boxing-match.

Another punch caught him off-guard and threw him powerlessly to the ground. As he lifted his head, as to regain control over his body, he finally saw him. In the dim corner of the large hall, Albrecht stood motionless, examining his every move. As their eyes met, a rousing shiver went down Friedrich's spine. He smiled faintly, but received no response from the diffuse creature hiding in the shadows.

As he attempted to stand up, he began to feel uncomfortable, as though he was being watched by a hostile observer. It could not simply be Albrecht's way ignoring him that made him feel this exposed. It was something else. Intuition? No, he was overreacting. _Focus._At least Albrecht was here to watch him fight, despite his uttered dislike of the sport. That had to count for something.

Friedrich managed to regain balance and prepared to undergo another blow from his opponent, but instead he discovered that his challenger seemed out of balance for some indefinite reason. Hurriedly, he altered his position, aimed and hit him right between the ribs, causing a cracking sound. While his competitor struggled to stay in an upright position, Friedrich hastily measured out a second blow, this time towards the skull. Due to Friedrich's unbalanced position it did not produce the same effect as the previous strike, although, due to the prior damage, enough to bowl him to the ground.

There followed a few moments of complete silence, in which Friedrich turned around, hoping to distinguish Albrecht's smiling face. But the corner was empty. A throbbing feeling started to inflate Friedrich's stomach and he felt an urge to draw back from the crowded space. _He had done it again._ Then finally the silence was succeeded by the ovation of the audience, and people started to climb the ring to compliment him, leaving him no choice but to smile.

* * *

"Hello," Albrecht greeted as Friedrich walked out of the shower, nearly causing him to drop his towel out of surprise.

"Hi," he replied. "You startled me a bit there."

Albrecht chuckled. He had that shy expression on his face which Friedrich had early learned to appreciate. As Albrecht quietened, a rather awkward silence began to fill the humid locker-room. Neither one of them seemed to know what to say.

Friedrich started to walk across the room, towards his clothes, but stopped in the middle of the room to gazed upon the dark-haired creature by the door. He sighed. "Are you very angry with me?"

Albrecht seemed quite interested in the construction of the floor. "Not really," he whispered.

Friedrich continued his journey towards the locker with a smile forming across his face. "What did you think about the game?" he asked cheerfully, lifting the conversation to a more superficial level.

"I dunno. I mean, it was great, I guess…" Albrecht replied uncomfortably while adjusting his position. As he changed his attention from the setting of the floor to Friedrich's disappointed expression, he quickly added: "You were fantastic, as always."

Friedrich started laughing. "Liar. I was complete shit out there."

"No, that's not what I m–"

"My mind was too preoccupied." Friedrich turned his back to Albrecht and began to dry himself off.

Suddenly he felt Albrecht's thin arms around his waist. "I'm sorry," he whispered, pressing his head into Friedrich's toned back. "I'm sorry for everything I said last night, I just… Can you forgive me?"

"I could never stay mad at you." Friedrich turned around and placed Albrecht's miserable face between his rough hands. "You know that, silly."

He drew Albrecht's face closer and gently synchronized their lips. The sweetness of the kiss was intoxicating, although it left them both unsatisfied. Friedrich ran his hands through Albrecht's short hair before clutching them around his neck, drawing him in closer.

Suddenly they found themselves located on the solid floor, Albrecht on his back with Friedrich's weight evenly distributed over the forepart of his body. Intensely, Friedrich again pressed his lips against Albrecht's, who parted them helpfully. A subtle moan escaped from his throat as their tongues met, all the while Friedrich simultaneously was struggling to unbutton the inconveniently stiff uniform that covered Albrecht's slender figure. Attentively, Albrecht lifted the jacket along with the underlying shirt, revealing his pale abdomen. Friedrich yearningly caressed the smooth, bare skin and buried his head in Albrecht's neck, savoring his invigorating scent.

If this was the method that served as reconciliation, it sure made it worth their fighting.


	3. Dreaming

Friedrich awoke to the slightly annoying sound of Albrecht's snoring. He turned his head and gazed upon the beautiful face that lay relaxed on his arm. A smile spread across his face while his whole body became filled with utmost happiness. He leaned in and placed a lingering kiss on Albrecht's soft, still lips, despite the small amount of drool running from the corner of his mouth.

He sat up, gently placing Albrecht's head in his lap and observed his peaceful creature as he slept. Scarcely visible lines had started to take form around his eyes and mouth, and his soft cheeks were evenly covered with a three-day stubble, giving him a somewhat manlier look. Through the years, Albrecht was the one who had remained the most well-preserved, with the tests of gray forming in his temples as the only features that deceived his otherwise youthful appearance.

Albrecht twisted slightly, causing the cover to slide down a bit and reveal his abdomen. The skin that once was so delicate was now covered with scars from his military service. Albrecht often complained about these disfigurements; they reminded him too much of the past he said, prevented him from forgetting. Friedrich on the other hand loved these imperfections as much as any other part of Albrecht's body.

Friedrich stroked Albrecht's nowadays unruly hair, longing for this short moment of peacefulness to last.

* * *

The pattering sound of raindrops attacking the windows awoke Friedrich from his heavy sleep. He opened his eyes and stared into the plastered white ceiling of his bedroom. For several minutes he lay there motionless, feeling nothing but utterly confused.

As he turned his head towards the empty side of the bed, reality slowly began to sink in. He was alone.

Suddenly a smothering feeling strained his stomach, replacing the previous state of numbness. Memories flooded his mind. The air seemed to have left the room and he found himself gasping for it, ineffectually. The weight over his chest increased steadily, and he drew the cover closer, pressing it towards his upper body in an attempt to oppress the pain. Although, this technique proved unsuccessful and instead of reducing the pain it caused his eyes to water up. Instinctively he felt an urge to fight the tears, but quickly displaced it and surrendered to crying and the relieving outlet of tensions it brought.

Soon he lay on his stomach, screaming out his despair into the pillow that was becoming moist from tears. He screamed from the top of his lungs until they could no longer provide him with enough oxygen to continue and he collapsed out of exhaustion, whimpering soundlessly.

Eventually, the pain did subside, or perhaps he was just becoming numb from it. Either way, he could finally drift back to sleep and return to the peaceful dreams that were his only sanctuary.


	4. Searching

Searching

Friedrich walked back to the Napola Schule in a fast pace. His legs and feet were sore from a day of marching and the only thing that kept him going was the thought of soon getting to lie down in bed, Albrecht within close range.

The sky was beginning to darken and soon he was climbing the stairs to the room he shared with five other loyal and beneficent members of the Reich. He swung the door open.

"What's with the smile?" asked Tjaden.

"Nothing." Friedrich looked around. "Where's Albrecht?"

"He followed some guys out. They seemed pretty excited."

His heart sank. "Oh."

He turned to his closet and changed into his pajamas. The uniform was neatly hung, as was legislated by the superiordinates.

When the young men had gone to bed, there had still been no sign of Albrecht. What was he doing? This wasn't like him. Friedrich tried not to think about it and go to sleep, but the unsettling feeling of worry was not easily pushed aside. After about half and hour turning, unable to find a comfortable position, he drew a deep sigh of defeat.

Quietly he got out of bed, got dressed and walked out the door. His gut kept telling him that something was wrong, though he hoped he was just being paranoid, or jealous. He had to admit, the thought of Albrecht spending time with other people than himself was not pleasing, even though he knew it was a childish thing to think. He couldn't help it - it infected his mind as a lethal disease.

He had to find Albrecht.

After investigating nearly the entire school vicinity he decided to expand his area of search. His feet walked with steady steps towards the woods.

It was an unusually dark night. The sky was covered with dark grey clouds, but every now and then they drifted apart, revealing a flecked sky with its stars and the shining half moon. The many trees looked down upon him from under the sky and cast threatening shadows around his body. He wanted to call out Albrecht's name, though he had to move further away from the school building before he could do that.

He could see no more than a meter before him as his feet lead him further into the vegetation. Suddenly there was a noise coming from somewhere before him; something was moving around among the high weathered grass. Friedrich was not usually easily scared, but there was something about the darkness that made him cautious. Perhaps it was its ability to impair his eyesight and thereby deprive him of his ability to control the situation. It made him feel like a little boy who is afraid of the dark for no other reason than making him feel alone and completely defenseless to the horrors hiding in the night.

Friedrich kept on walking. He could feel his heart beating against his chest, and he had to resist the urge to turn around and flee like the prey tries to escape the predator. He was determined to find Albrecht.

From the moment he had met him, Friedrich had felt like Albrecht was a fragile being who could easily be taken advantage of by other people. It was not like he did not stand up for what he believed in - for he did, even when it would be considered more wise to refrain from doing so – it was just that he was kind of nature, and to be honest, he lacked the ability to defend himself from abusive people. He was not the customary rugged type attending the Napola institute of Education aspiring to become a defender of the Fatherland.

As the noise that had scared him turned out to be nothing he felt like laughing, he was being ridiculous. But then three young men stumbled over him out of nowhere, laughing in unison. He recognized them as last year students from the Academy.

"Hey man, what are you doing out here?" asked one of the boys nervously.

"Wait," said another one, "I recognize you. You're Albrecht's friend, right?"

"Oh shit, it's him!" the third one exclaimed, his voice sounded anxious.

Before he knew it, the three students had left him, making their way back the way Friedrich had come. Friedrich stood frozen for a few moments, trying to make out what had just happened.

His immobility was hastily interrupted when he heard a whimpering noise in the darkness, like a rebuked dog hiding in the middle of the woods. He moved reluctantly towards the origin of the sound, on the watch for any sudden movements. As he got closer, the sound altered into sounding more like someone crying. He squinted and tried to focus his eyesight towards the source of the sound.

"Albrecht?" he whispered, his voice faltering. "Albrecht… is that you?"

"Frie-" Albrecht couldn't finish the sentence.

All air left Friedrich's lungs.

"What are you- are you okay?" Friedrich could not hide the desperation in his voice.

Albrecht whimpered when Friedrich touched him, trying to examine his body for any visible signs of violence.

"Did they hurt you?" Friedrich screamed. He felt Albrecht's head softly nod in response.

Friedrich pulled him in tighter against his chest, forgetting it might hurt him. Albrecht was crying louder now, not holding back any more. It was breaking Friedrich's heart - he sounded so helpless, so brittle. Friedrich felt he had to be strong. For Albrecht – himself. He stroked Albrecht's hair as gently as he could master, his hand turning moist from the sweat covering Albrecht's forehead.

When his eyes had adjusted somewhat to the dark surroundings, Friedrich looked down upon Albrecht's face. What he saw had no resemblance to the face he adored; Albrecht's face was swelling, his eyes were pondered shut and were turning blue and there was blood everywhere. He didn't know what to do.

"It's going to be all right. Don't you worry. I'm here now." He was on the verge of tears. "I'm here."

Albrecht wasn't crying anymore. In fact, he was completely silent.

"Does it hurt?" Friedrich asked.

Albrecht didn't make a sound.

"Albrecht?" Friedrich whispered, gently shaking Albrecht's shoulders.

_Why wasn't he responding?_

"Albrecht!" he screamed and he couldn't hold back the tears anymore.

In the middle of the woods, under a hostile sky, Friedrich sat holding his entire life closely pressed to his chest as tears coated his cheeks in desperation.


	5. Picnic

Picnic

They had walked this path so many times before, knew its every feature: the smooth curves of the trail, the bumps in the ground and the familiar greenery and the tall trees that came and went almost unnoticed as the two young men walked side by side in silence.

It was a beautiful day in May. Spring had come slowly, gradually bringing nature back to life in the process. Despite the early hour the air was already lukewarm, its soft breeze swirling through the air, playing with the newborn leaves on the branches of the trees.

As Friedrich and Albrecht came further into the woods the trail narrowed and their bodies were forced closer to each other. Now and again their fingertips touched lightly. Friedrich closed his eyes for a moment and breathed in the sweet spring air.

When they reached the clearing Albrecht walked to a bright green patch of grass flecked by flowers in yellow and blue and white.

"This'll be perfect, don't you think?" he said, looking up under his eyelashes, smiling.

"Yeah, as good as any, I guess," Friedrich replied.

Albrecht punched Friedrich gently in the side while still smiling. "Come on, let's swim," he said.

"Right now?"

"Yeah." Albrecht was already by the shore and started to undress.

Friedrich remained by the picnic basket for a moment, watching Albrecht undress in the shade of an old tree. His body was young and unspoiled; a pale white skin perfectly wrapped around his yet skinny body – the daily exercises showed no trace in his muscle structure.

Albrecht turned around, as if he had felt Friedrich's gaze burning in his back. He was now merely wearing his well-used boxers provided by the institution.

"Are you coming or what?" he challenged.

Friedrich returned to reality and joined Albrecht by the shore. The sun appeared from behind a cluster of spun sugar clouds, searching for its own reflection in the sparkling water. No wonder this was his favorite place, nature was as if taken from one of the posters hanging on the walls of the academy. This was their own spot, far away from reality – alone.

Albrecht seemed eager to go in the water, but Friedrich managed to get hold of his arm and drew him in closely, his chest pressed against Albrecht's back. Friedrich's nose sought its favorite spot in Albrecht's neck and rested there for a second in the warmth of his skin. He placed a quick kiss on Albrecht's shoulder before racing him into the water, which felt cold against their warm skins.

While in the water, their bodies adjusted to the temperature and soon they found it refreshing, pleasurable. As if the water possessed the power of time travel, it brought the young men back to childhood days and soon they were playing, splashing, teasing each other. They made a game out of chasing each other just to later be joined in ferocious embraces. Their kisses tasted sweet and wet and salty.

After a while, when their fingers and toes were as shriveled raisins, their lips were turning purple and their empty stomachs sounded like purring kittens, they returned to the picnic basket to set up their lunch. Soon the grass was covered by a large pleated quilt, on which sandwiches, fruit and some wine Friedrich had come across had been placed.

They were silent for a long time while they enjoyed the food and the beautiful nature, now bathing in complete sunlight.

"We could go away together," Albrecht suggested suddenly and looked away.

"What?" Friedrich was surprised.

"We could hitch a lift with someone to the city and from there continue by bus."

"Are you out of your mind?" Friedrich chuckled. "Where would we go?"

"Wherever. It doesn't matter, really. Just… Somewhere new. Where we can be together." His cheeks were turning into a pink shade, similar to the cherry blossom trees outside of the academy in the spring. Friedrich thought it made him even more beautiful.

"What about our education? And my boxing career? We need money."

Albrecht stood up.

"Jesus, Friedrich. Can't we ever just imagine?" he said irritably. "I know there's no place in the world where we can be together. I don't need you to remind me." He started walking into the woods and added: "Nevermind. Don't even bother."

He walked with his head sunken to the level of his shoulders, which were crouched forward. Not knowing what to do with his hands, he shoved them into the spacious pockets of his jacket. In defiance to the sunken posture of his upper body, his feet greeted the ground beneath them firmly with every step they took leading him away from Friedrich. He still could not understand why Friedrich always had to be like that. As if dreaming was dangerous. Thinking about it – analyzing it – only made it worse, he knew this, but he couldn't help it. The creeping sensation of frustration crawled beneath his skin like a parasite. He felt like hitting something, but he knew he wouldn't. He just kept on walking without any particular aim.

Before he had come far, he could make out Friedrich's determined steps behind him. It didn't take him long to make up on Albrecht. He took hold of Albrecht's hand and they came to a simultaneous halt. He came closer and hesitantly embraced Albrecht's stiff body. "I'm sorry," he whispered into his hair. "I didn't mean to upset you. Must we always argue with each other?"

"It's just… I don't even know what this is to you." Albrecht's voice was low and insecure.

Friedrich couldn't find the right words to say. He turned Albrecht around, looked swiftly into his moist eyes and then linked his forehead with Albrecht's.

"I…" he hesitated. "I would do anything just to be with you. I love you, Albrecht. Haven't you already figured that out?"


	6. Time

Time

He had been running all his life. In the early years of his life he ran from childhood, then from his parents, and now he was running from life itself.

'Time heals all wounds' was not applicable to him, if to anyone at all. There had been so many times he had wished this saying to be true, he had waited patiently for time to pass, but weeks had turn into months and finally he found himself a year older, but the pain still remained and it reminded itself with any little thing that could be associated with _him._

There was no point to living without him. There never had been. Though they had never spoke of it, there had been a silent promise between them from the beginning: _I will always be by your side._

Albrecht had not broken that promise - death had come between them. Friedrich had hoped he would somehow still feel Albrecht's presence after he died, though it did not matter how hard he tried or how passionately – desperately – he wished for it, Albrecht was gone. The only traces remaining of him were the few of his scarce belongings that Friedrich had managed to rescue. Whenever the surges of loss became too intense, he would find a piece of Albrecht's clothing to soak up his tears, or a text to read with Albrecht's voice in his head. The things he left behind were so few; their time together had been too brief. Friedrich was crippled by the memories of the two of them together; he clung to them so intensely his whole body ached. He did not know what else he could do.


End file.
